101 Ways To Hitch A Ride With Mustang
by Mon Petit Pierrot
Summary: Ed's trying all sorts of methods in order to get a ride to work from Roy. Roy's royally pissed off that his phone is ringing off the hook. It's all in a day's work.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: **101 Ways To Hitch A Ride With Mustang  
**Author: **Mon Petit Pierrot  
**Fandom:** FullMetal Alchemist  
**Rating: **T (for safety)

**Summary: **Ed's trying all sorts of methods in order to get a ride to work from Roy. Roy's royally pissed off that his phone is ringing off the hook. It's all in a day's work.

**Note: **This was a random idea I got in my head one day and I decided I had to try it. So I hope you enjoy.

* * *

**- One Hundred And One Ways To Hitch A Ride With Mustang -**

**Chapter 1**

* * *

**The First Attempt**

The phone in his office, right on his desk, rang incessantly. As it had for the last five minutes of constant noise, even as he glared at it murderously - to little desired effect.

Roy's eye twitched, a fierce headache pulsing behind his ears.

_"What?"_

"Mustang! Mustang, I see little green people! They have me surrounded! THEY'RE GOING TO OPERATE ON ME! THEY'RE GOING TO STEAL MY BRAIN AND MAKE ME ONE OF THEEEEEEEEEEEEM! HELP ME!"

CLICK.

**

* * *

**

**The Second Attempt**

"Roy! Roy! Roy! Roy! I've always wanted to say this...but you're pretty..."

Roy nearly dropped the phone in his surprise. "_What..._did you say?"

"I SAID YOU'RE PRETTY! COME ON TAKE A JOKE YOU ASSHOLE!"

"Excuse me?"

"I'M DRUNK CAN'T YOU SEE THAT? NO I BET YOU CAN'T!" Cackles of mad laughter echoed through the phone, and Roy pulled it away from his ear to stare at it incredously.

"Are you drunk?"

"Maaybe...maybe not. I don't know am I? I can't even tell anymore."

"..."

"Sooo...can you come get me or what?"

CLICK.**

* * *

**

**The Third Attempt**

"ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOY! Come on already, I'm lost!"

"No, you're not." Roy tapped his finger on the desk, waiting impatiently for the blond to hang up.

"Yes, I am."

"Tell me what street you're on."

"I'm not on any street."

"Ed."

"What is this 'street' you speak of?"

Roy sighed tiredly, scubbing his hand over his face. "Ed, what do you take me for? I can hear the traffic."

"...I don't know what you're talking about. But seriously, I'm lost!"

CLICK.

* * *

**The Fourth Attempt**

"I'm being robbed! Do you want to ridiculed when every one hears that you let your prized alchemist get robbed because you didn't go get him!"

"Ed, have you forgotten that you've been trained to fight?"

"Do you have a point here, because I'm getting freaking robbed by this asshole in front of me!"

"And you're just standing there?"

"Of course not! What, do you think I'm a moron or something?"

"I'm not going to answer that."

CLICK.

**

* * *

**

**The Fifth Attempt (1)**

"Roy! I mean it this time! I really need a ride!"

"It's called walking, Ed."

"FINE! YOU HAVE DRIVEN ME TO COMMIT SUICIDE...BY SPORK! THE DEVIL'S ADVOCATE! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!"

"If you're really that close to suicide, Ed, you wouldn't be calling me. You would be locked up in your room, with all the lights out, scribbling out a suicide note."

"You sound like you've done that before. If you pick me up, I can sway you from that!"

Roy sighed. "No. And I know you're not about to commit suicide, Ed, so let me get back to work."

"YES I AM! I AM ABOUT TO COMMIT SUICIDE BY SPORK BECAUSE YOU REFUSE TO PICK ME UP! YOU HAVE DRIVEN ME TO THIS, YOU SELFISH BASTARD!"

"No, you're not."

"How do you know, huh? Maybe I'm a special case. What do you think about that, huh? Never thought of that did ya? YOU ASSHOLE!"

CLICK.

* * *

**The Sixth Attempt**

"Since this is the 800th time I called-"

"It's only the sixth, Ed. Get your math right. You're supposed to be a kid genius, here."

"Whatever! The point is that you haven't gotten me!"

"I'm busy!"

"I don't believe you! If you don't come get me in ten minutes-"

"So there's a deadline now? Try topping that with the pile of paperwork I have in front of me."

"SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY! IF YOU DON'T COME IN TEN MINUTES I WILL RIP OFF MY CLOTHES, RIGHT NOW, AND GO STREAKING THROUGH THE CITY! I MEAN IT!" There was a brief moment of blissful silence, before: "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LOOKING AT LADY? IT'S NONE OF YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS WHAT I'M DOING! JUST GO ON YOUR MERRY WAY AND I WILL PRETEND THAT YOU'RE NOT STARING AT ME!"

Roy scrubbed his hand over his face and sighed heavily. "There's nothing I can do."

CLICK.

**

* * *

**

**1- I really hope that I haven't offended anyone with this. I'm not trying to make fun at the concept of suicide, just that Ed would choose a spork. I mean, really? A SPORK? That's Ed for you.**

So you would think that there would be 5 or 10 "attempts" each chapter but I'm just going to put the number of ones that I wanted to write at the time before posting, so it's going to be an uneven number. If you have any ideas, please let me know and I'll include it.

Pierrot.


	2. Chapter 2

**Title: **101 Ways To Hitch A Ride With Mustang  
**Author: **Mon Petit Pierrot  
**Fandom:** FullMetal Alchemist  
**Rating: **T (for safety)

**Summary: **Ed's trying all sorts of methods in order to get a ride to work from Roy. Roy's royally pissed off that his phone is ringing off the hook. It's all in a day's work.

**Note: **I'M SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING! I'VE BEEN SO FREAKING BUSY PREPARING MYSELF TO GO TO COLLEGE THAT I JUST HADN'T HAD TIME TO UPDATE! But I'm here now (because I'm going to community college) and hopefully I will be able to update much, much sooner! Again, I'm really really really really really sorry!

So this chapter contains some slight influence from another anime called Hetalia: Axis Powers...an awesome anime btw...so yeah...if you can catch the references, I will love you forever...and I had two sodas today...so that might have helped...heehee...

WHOO-HOO! A CHAPTER! (Sorry it's so short!)

* * *

**- One Hundred And One Ways To Hitch A Ride With Mustang -**

**Chapter 2**

THANK YOU's: Sonar, Inked Wolf, TTFN, Fully Metallic Bleached Notes, PinkPsych00, Silverwolf819, The Soul Alchemist, DarkVampirePrincess8, artistic-weirdo, dogluva12, xxedxwinryxx, Alchemist of Steel, Misty-Nala, edward elric xD, Taranova, FullmetalHanyou15, Akira Elric, Isabelle-Artemis-San, MisaTsumi, TwilightWolf8988, Mayo2198, and iStoleYourChips.

**

* * *

**

**The Seventh Attempt**

"Roooooy...oh, Roy...I don't feel right..."

"And why is that?" Roy sighed, shuffling the papers on his desk.

"I FEEL LIKE I'M GOING INSANE! I SEE LITTLE GRAY PEOPLE!"

"_Again? _Ed, those 'little green' or 'gray people' don't exist."

"YOU SURE ABOUT THAT? I SEE A LITTLE GRAY PERSON STANDING IN FRONT OF ME RIGHT NOW! DAMN, HE'S GOT THE BIGGEST FUCKING EYES I HAVE EVER SEEN! OH SHIT, HE CAN UNDERSTAND ME! HE'S CURSING ME OUT RIGHT NOW!"

Roy pinched the bridge of his nose. "This is all part of your imagination, Ed. Just come back to the office."

"Can I have some coffee, then?" His voice sounded very hopeful, completely switching from the frantic shouting.

"And that is a no, Full Metal."

All Roy heard then was building maniacal laughter from the other end of the phone. He pulled it away from his ear and stared at it for a long moment, before he slowly placed the phone back on the reciever.

CLICK.

* * *

**The Eighth Attempt**

"Roy! Roy! Roy! Roy! Roy! Roy!"

"WHAT?"

"There's a bug that's been following me for the last five blocks!"

"Oh, so it's a _bug_ now?"

"What is that supposed to mean, huh? AND YES, IT'S A BUG! I BET IT'S GONNA COVER ME WITH IT'S DISGUSTING SLOBBER AND COVER ME WITH FLIES TART AND THEN DIGEST ME WHEN I LEAST SUSPECT IT!"

Roy sighed heavily and switched the phone to his other ear, rubbing his temple. "If this is another attempt for me to come get you from _wherever the hell you are_, it's not going to work."

"I don't know what you're talking about. I bet you that my salary that the bug is some sort of corporate spy who is out to get me!"

"Oh, really now? Is that a promise?"

"Of course it's the prospect of getting my money that gets your interest, you son of a bitch!" There was a brief pause, "AAAAAAAH! THE BUG! IT JUST FLEW INTO MY EAR! IT'S GOING TO EAT ME I KNOW IT! GET OFF YOUR LAZY ASS AND SAVE MEEEEEEEEE!"

The colonel just shook his head and hung up on Ed's screaming.

CLICK.

**

* * *

**

**The Ninth Attempt**

"Hey Rooooooooooooy, I'll give you some advice if you agree to come pick me up!"

Roy took a deep breath and scrubbed his hands over his face. "Ed, I don't need advice from someone who is _shorter_ than me."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SHORT, YOU...YOU...GIANT-SIZED BASTARD!" He heard the sound of Ed clearing his throat. "_Anyway_, I say you need advice."

"No, I really don't."

"..."

"Ed?"

"ALRIGHT FINE! I WON'T GIVE YOU ANY ADVICE! BUT...! Some friendly advice from me to you, free of charge-"

"You mean you were going to make me _pay_?"

"_Duh,_ Mustang. How else would I pay for my new shoes that are totally awesome? Now don't interrupt me again! Some friendly advice, okay? You have a piece of paper handy? How about a pen? You got that?"

"Ed, why don't you tell me what the hell it is so I can hang up on you and get back to work!"

"Oh, not very friendly, are you? You're going to regret not listening to me, but here it is anyway. Pay close attention now...GO ON AND GET LAIDALREADY! THAT SHOULDN'T BE TOO DIFFICULT FOR YOU, SHOULD IT?"

CLICK.

* * *

**The Tenth Attempt **

"You know, Roy? You should try to date again. I mean, when was the last time you had a date, huh?"

"I don't think that's any of your business, Ed."

"Oh, yes it is. As your subordinate, it's my job to dig up information on my superior's personal life!"

"I'm going to shoot you one of these days."

"I'd like to see you try. But seriously, you're...women-deprived, aren't you? You haven't gotten laid yet?"

CLICK.

* * *

**The Eleventh Attempt - courtesy of iStoleYourChips (loving your penname :D)**

"You really need to date again, you know. How about you date me?"

Roy spat out the coffee he had been drinking. "Are you _insane_?"

"Come on, I'll make it worth your while."

"Are you on something?"

"Nooooo, I don't think so. Why don't you come check?"

"How about _no_?"

"Me love you long time," Ed whispered, in a strange accent that sounded suspiciously like Xingese.

"You sound like a hooker."

"Oh really? That's good to hear. You know why? Because that's going to be my disguise for Halloween."

CLICK.

**

* * *

**

Hope you enjoyed this short update! I'm still so so so sorry that it was so late! But! If you have ideas, please let me know!

~Pierrot.


	3. Chapter 3

**Title: **101 Ways To Hitch A Ride With Mustang  
**Author: **Mon Petit Pierrot  
**Fandom:**FullMetal Alchemist  
**Rating: **T (for safety)

**Summary: **Ed's trying all sorts of methods in order to get a ride to work from Roy. Roy's royally pissed off that his phone is ringing off the hook. It's all in a day's work.

**Note: **SORRY FOR THE WAIT! To make it up to you guys, there's more attempts this time! Yay! But if you have any ideas, please share them! Pleeeeeeease? I would love to have some input! I'm kind of hyped up on apple cider at the moment if you can't tell.

(And since I'm currently listening to character songs from Hetalia, there will no doubt be some influence...)

**THANK YOU'S TO: **Sonar, Inked Wolf, TTFN, Fully Metallic Bleached Notes, PinkPsych00, Silverwolf819, TheSoulAlchemist, DarkVampirePrincess8, artistic-weirdo, dogluva12, xxedxwinryxx, Alchemist of Steel, Misty-Nala, edward elric xD, Taranova, FullmetalHanyou15, Akira Elric, Isabelle-Artemis-San, MisaTsumi, TwilightWolf8988, Mayo2198, iStoleYourChips, Lane Render, tuffchick1, The Curse of Forever, Skippy the Hobolo, animeangel105, I ain't sellin, Fma crusher xx, horserider117, lolcatsrule, AnimeAddicter101, Fullmetal Spirit, Geeksam311, firefly267, Super Saiyan Angel, Obsidian Silversmith, and InvaderKT.

* * *

**- One Hundred And One Ways To Hitch A Ride With Mustang -**

Chapter 3

**

* * *

**

**The Twelfth Attempt**

"ROOOOOOOY! I MEAN IT THIS TIME! YOU BETTER PICK ME UP!"

"Why?" Roy drawled, absently scrawling his signature on the paper in front of him. It might have been an order for his dismissal for all he cared. "What are you going to do _this_ time?"

"I'M GONNA BLOW UP THE BRIDGE! SO HA! TAKE THAT!"

The colonel sighed, wondering just how the younger man was able to exhaust him so quickly. "What bridge?"

"..."

"Ed. Please tell me that you haven't fooled yourself into thinking that there was a bridge in Central."

"...There's no bridge?"

"No, Ed."

"..."

"Then what am I standing on?"

CLICK.

* * *

**The Thirteenth Attempt - courtesy of iStoleYourChips**

"Rooooooooooooooooooooooooooy! You sadistic bastard! I bet you're just smirking at me, right now, aren't you?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"I'M GOING TO MURDER YOU IN YOUR SLEEP, YOU BITCH!"

"Did someone wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning?"

"Waaaaaah, Mustang...don't you care about me? You're such a jerk!"

"Oh, don't even pretend to cry Ed. You're too old for that."

"YOU BASTARD! HOW DARE YOU BE SO UNCARING! YOU BETTER GET YOUR SCRAWNY ASS HERE RIGHT NOW SO MY FIST CAN MEET YOUR FACE, BITCH!"

"Ed, I don't think it's a good idea to threaten your boss, you know."

"Well, just how do you know that if you've never tried it, huh? I bet you just can't stand my awesomeness!"

CLICK.

**

* * *

**

**The Fourteenth Attempt**

"I'm gonna sing until I piss you off!"

"Well, you're already halfway there."

"Oh really now? How about I sing to you?"

"And what good would that do?"

"_California girls, we're unforgettable! Daisy Dukes bikinis on top, sun-kissed skin so hot we'll melt your popsicle!_"

"Dammit, Ed, why did you have to pick the most annoying song to ever exist?"

"Oooh, so it annoys you, huh?" Roy could pratically hear the smirk in the other's voice and asked himself just why the _hell_ he said that. "_California girls, we're undeniable, fine, fresh, fierce, we got it on lock West Coast represent, now put your hands up!_"

CLICK.

* * *

**The Fifteenth Attempt**

"Since you _still _won't pick me up - I don't know why, 'cause I'm just gonna call you all day - but anyway, since you won't, I figure I could just sell myself online. Since you don't care and all."

Roy kneaded his temple, wishing that Ed would just shut up and leave him alone. "Fine, you do that. And I can buy you for a penny."

"YOU BASTARD! YOU DON'T CARE DO YOU, YOU SON OF A -"

CLICK.

* * *

**The Sixteenth Attempt**

"I LAY CLAIM TO YOUR BREASTS!"

Roy stared incredously at the phone.

"Exuse me?"

"YOU HEARD ME! I CLAIM YOUR BREASTS!"

"Uh...Full Metal, I understand that you may not be feeling well right now, but I assure you that I am not a girl."

"YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?"

"_Yes_, Full Metal. Why are you shouting?"

"I HAVE NO IDEA! IT'S TOO MUCH FUN TO SHOUT!"

"Why don't you go lay down or something and stop bothering me, will you?"

But with Ed, he knew that something that simple would be impossible.

"I DON'T THINK SO! OH! OH! I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY!"

"Then say it already."

"YOU ORIGINATED IN ME, SO YOU CANNOT BOSS ME AROUND! SO THEREFORE, I CLAIM YOUR BREASTS!" (1)

CLICK.

* * *

**The Seventeenth Attempt**

"ROY! I'VE GONE INVISIBLE!"

"All right, what did you drink _this _time?"

"I didn't drink nothing!"

"Ed, that's a double negative."

"Don't go all technical and grammar and shit with me! I'm INVISIBLE!"

"So you drank something, then."

"WILL YOU HELP ME ALREADY?"

"Well, how can I do that if you're invisible, Ed?"

"Just think of something and get off your lazy ass!"

CLICK.

* * *

**The Eighteenth Attempt**

"Hiya, Roy. Just wanted to say hi...and to ask WHY THE HELL YOU HAVEN'T PICKED ME UP YET!"

CLICK.

* * *

1 - In Hetalia (you knew that this had to happen), there is a character called South Korea. He has the habit of always correcting people and claiming that everything originated in him. He follows his big brothers China and Japan around and always tries to claim his "breasts". I don't really know why he does this, but he's a very hyper character so I think that explains it.


End file.
